What’s the Matter with all These People?!
Keys to understanding people...for the covid weary
We’ve all been trying to help people in recent years…likely more than ever before. Whether family, friends, colleagues, online folks…
It has been difficult, confusing, crazy-making at times and exhausting.
I hope this brings a bit of sanity and comfort as it has for me…a helpful lens.
If you’re not familiar with the concept of these three personality/energetic styles, this will give you a useful shorthand!
A very basic understanding will allow you to understand your people, extend a little forgiveness where things have been frustrating and help you spend your own energies most fruitfully.
You will get better results with people…and you’ll know how to be patient…or even when to be ‘off the case’ with others. No more spinning your wheels…
Just the reduction in your own frustration, hurt and anger will do you a lot of good.
Covid divided the world in a way that nothing else ever has. It got the attention…and the reaction of everyone on the planet.
Deep, unseen layers in people that we would never have even guessed at, suddenly and clearly emerged.
Family, friends of long-standing, co-workers, neighbors, co-religionists…people you thought you KNEW emerged as complete strangers. We were blindsided!
We were suddenly…and often, irrevocably, estranged. We have never been the same since this great revealing…
That, to some degree, was the gift of this experience. It pulled back layers that a lifetime of knowing a person would never have exposed. Every common societal mask was yanked off (and replaced by the mandatories).
If one can consider it a gift, it ranks with the most difficult of gifts.
Amidst the tensions of the so-called pandemic, we tried to relay important information to those around us, but it fell on unhearing and often hostile ears! We tried everything we could think of, employed all our skills of mind and heart…and none of it worked!!
Without getting overly psychological about it, the headlines and hysteria touched on people’s fears…and their deepest, irrational responses to those fears. We even saw sides of ourselves that we may not have guessed at.
The idea that we’re working with in this post is that we can generally view ourselves as one of these three types… Cardinal, Mutable, or Fixed.
The Cardinal personality is bursting with energy. They are the great Initiators. They see the big picture, break it all down and they know what to do with it. They are the dynamic, even explosive, force (the Greek word ’dunamis’ is the root word for dynamite and is sometimes used to describe the Holy Spirit).
The Mutable person exhibits a more flexible, often friendly, even-paced way of interacting with life.
And the Fixed personality…well…the name fits.
What is important to remember is that we naturally operate in the world from our energy.
I’ll flesh this out a bit more, but to start…
We are what we are… Our natures are what they are.
We are different lumps of clay, if you will…which implies that you can mold your nature…but, basically, that’s the energy you’re dealing with!
Once you start to observe, you’ll soon see the 3 types…in yourself and in others!
We give expression to our lives in the light of these characteristics. While you can mold those natures to bring out the best aspects of them, you probably will not change their inborn characteristics.
So how to work with this effectively is the question!
Here is how it was first presented to me…
A woman in our weekly women’s group took me aside after the others left for home. This was a gathering of 6-8 smart women who I’d met through my practice. They all had something in common. They were bright, fascinating and spiritually gifted along different lines.
People like this can suffer from isolation and a lack of peer support. They’re just not like everybody else… I thought it would be fun to gather them into my living room and see what happened!
There were definitely sparks of relief and recognition as their hidden dimensions came out from under wraps! Who would have guessed that underneath these corn-fed Indiana housewife exteriors lay such extraordinary personalities! They were fairly bursting with ideas and stories! SUCH stories! Everything was up for exploration in our evening gatherings! Wild times!
It was like a rennaissance that sparked our own growth. Something remarkable was unleashed into our lives. Everything was multiplied. It was fascinating to see them reveal themselves…and to bring their personal wisdom to bear in helping one another. A medicine circle…just not so solemn…a bit more madcap!
A sisterhood of secret selves… Some of you may know what I mean…
So the woman that took me aside wanted to offer a little advice.
It concerned one of the women that I was working with as a patient and a friend. She had recently had a brain tumor removed, was struggling with her weight and other health issues…and was fearing for her out-of-control teenage daughters…along with a marriage that was unravelling.
She was a highly visible pillar in the community, which made these problems all the more difficult for her. To say I was striving mightily with this lady would be an understatement. But the woman who took me aside had this to say:
“Debbie, you are exhausting yourself here with the way you’re trying to help. It’s not good for you…and pretty soon, it’s not going to be good for her either!”
This was at the close of our 3rd meeting. How could she even know all of this?
But Roberta knew people…and she knew this principle.
“You are a Cardinal type! The Initiator! Everything about your life screams it. You birth businesses, you make things happen…Now!! Cardinal people will find a way to make the impossible possible! That’s the big energy you bring to your practice!
Now you may not want to stick around and run them day-to-day once you get them off the ground, but you have a way of bursting on the scene and getting things done!“
I had to admit she was right…
Now in the back of my mind, I had been grappling with just these issues…
You may see yourself in a similar scenario…
My patients were often older, sick, heavy and dispirited…..
Hard to help. Discouraged. Stuck! They were in pitiful condition…and they were coming for help. It was going to take some heavy lifting.
I found myself making 80% of the effort…researching, educating, explaining, encouraging, bearing with them as they tried to change their lives for the better.
But then I often found that I’d have to do it all over again the next time I saw them!
Taking on their family and personal issues (it all connects to their health, after all), lifting their spirits, listening to their difficult histories, etc.
After awhile, I envisioned myself as making DYNAMITE to wake them up…and they would wake up for a brief time…only for many of them to fall right back asleep again!!
That was the situation with this dear lady, as well! It was exhausting…and seemingly wasted effort.
Roberta continued…
“Your lady ‘L’ is actually doing her best to work with you. I know…you may not think so, but she truly is. But you see, she is a FIXED personality (this is all Greek to me in the moment). She is the opposite of what you are! What comes so naturally to you is almost impossible to her. That is not how she is constituted!
Look at what she does for a living (an advocate in the justice system) She is a pillar…someone that can be relied on and a force for good. She is rock-steady. Her job requires adherence to the law…something that is fixed and changes slowly along certain lines….the kind of thing you can not tolerate as a Cardinal type! If it was up to you, you would go in there and overturn tables and break up the system!
But we have a need for both kinds of people…
You come from different worlds! You see it as being done yesterday…direct and clear! Why doesn’t EVERYONE see things MY Way!? It only makes sense! What’s the matter with all these people?!
In L’s world…in her very different energy…life is slow, plodding, much the same, year in and year out.
It is not dynamic! L is Fixed. If she makes one inch of progress over the course of her lifetime, she will have worked hard to achieve that. It took a lot of effort for her. She will have done well.
Your personalities attract each other, but in close proximity, your energies clash. Not only will you get exhausted and frustrated, but you will frustrate her and you are likely to damage her in terms of her own progress!”
I could see that’s where we were headed…
“And then we have the Mutable people…. They are in the middle. They are more fluid…mutable/adaptable…like water. They are naturally harmonious. They make the best employees. They get along wherever they find themselves.
Mutable people can do the give and take of marriage more easily, whereas you might fear getting swallowed up, slowed down or heaven forbid!…held back. Your energies need freedom and movement…a different kind of liveliness! You would chafe at what feels comfortable to many!
When working with Mutable people, you may not win them over to your way of thinking, but then again, you might. You would want to exercise more patience with them. You might think about toning down your fire with them…so as to warm them and not burn them.
The extreme earnestness of a Cardinal type can be a little emotionally exhausting…which is why humor and authenticity make great bedfellows.
Don’t change who and what you are… Just know who you’re dealing with….
and remember, Fire is just what is needed at times!
As a Cardinal, my advice to you is:
Don’t try so hard…and don’t take it personally when people come at things differently. It’s not always necessary. They have a different way of being in this life. Adjust your thinking and your expectations if you want to make these discussions work.
As a rule of thumb, it’s probably best if you don’t work with fixed temperaments. Others can assist them. Move with other Cardinal types and Mutable folks. Try to recognize the value of each temperament.
Move at your dynamic pace…don’t slow down or let anything break your stride. Be ok with running ahead of the pack… Make no apologies.
Consider the cost of going at the wrong pace! Or making the mistake of partnering with someone who is fixed…”
(someone should have explained this to us a long time ago!!)
Just adjust your expectations…and try to put yourself in their shoes now and then. Let their experience be theirs while making the most of yours.
This has served as a great guide for future interactions….
As always, thanks for reading! Feel free to like, share and restack…