The Doctor Visits the Doctor
Where was the care? Where was the beating heart of helping a fellow human?
There was a much-loved doctor in the town I had recently moved to…
He was known for taking time with his patients…especially the elderly…really listening to them as they poured out their troubles. He also happened to be single. It wasn’t long before my elderly ladies (massage patients) mounted a campaign to introduce us.
So, in due time, he made an appointment for a Thai massage session. I was unaware of their scheming until the last minute.
Sweet of them, but somewhat off the mark…
What unfolded was so unexpected…
The doctor had just turned 65. He thought to himself that perhaps this would be a good time to book a physical. After all, he hadn’t had a check-up in 40 years…
His results showed that he was in fine health except for his elevated PSA levels, a possible indication of prostate cancer. So his doctor ordered further testing, soon followed by a biopsy. The results indicated the course of treatment that would follow.
The timing of our meeting was such that I would be seeing him every other week over the course of his year of treatment, so I got to know him well.
I really enjoyed and valued my association with doctors and nurses, etc. over the years. They were an invaluable source of information and experience in so many ways…
He was no exception. Conversation flowed easily right from the start…and since life had suddenly taken a more serious tone…our talks reflected that, as well.
We talked about life in depth and where it had taken him. He shared so many stories…
How and why he embarked on the practice of medicine later in life, how he had crafted his practice, and what was changing as corporate interests began to intrude.
There were experiences that deeply impacted his life…one of which I will share here.
I could see why his elderly patients loved him! It was certainly mutual. He not only held their hands as they struggled through challenges, but he offered a patient and understanding heart.
As time went on, he would sometimes refer a patient to me discreetly. I would always know that medicine had reached its limits and that he trusted me to help them through the emotional/physical traumas that sometimes underlie illnesses. He knew that I could take even more time and heart with them. It was an honored association.
He once told me with tears in his eyes “What you do is better medicine than what I do. It seems all I do these days is write prescriptions. THIS is real medicine.”
Meanwhile, as we worked together over the course of his treatment, I had no idea how vulnerable this experience would make him. I watched a strong, capable and confident man cut to the quick. His very core, his manhood undone. The most deep-rooted fears overtook him. It gave me understanding and taught me compassion on a new level…
In terms of medicine, he was now the patient…and his experience of the medical system was deeply dismaying.
He was given few choices or options, he was vastly under-informed and, at times, mis-informed regarding treatments and the aftermath of the treatments. Especially the aftermath. Treatment protocols were sold to him as highly trustworthy and beneficial, with no mention of the often serious downsides.
He experienced the cold, cruel, mechanical aspects of medicine for himself. To enter the assembly line as a patient…dehumanizing and debilitating, was not what he had expected. Where was the care? Where was the beating heart of helping a fellow human?
He was not the only doctor I’ve known to suffer the same shocks.
We talked about family, his marriages and children. His 1st wife had worked long and hard to put him through medical school while raising their children. He left her for the nurse that worked in his office. He went on to repeat that scenario with another nurse a few years later. But, finally, he felt that he had found ‘the right one’.
A large, beautiful wedding was planned for their upcoming nuptials.
a risky story…
On the night of their rehearsal dinner, something unfortunate happened. His brother, who was slated to be the best man for the wedding, arrived late…and very drunk!
The brothers had words…angry words and then things escalated. The groom was outraged and embarrassed before his guests. The ‘family drunk’ had ruined their special evening! He gave him a furious tongue-lashing! The brother was tossed out of the hall and barred from the wedding.
The doctor was scheduled to work the night shift in the ER that night. It was a quiet night, that is, until the sirens were blaring and he was summoned to the ER.
A gunshot victim was being stretchered from the ambulance into the operating room. That patient was the doctor’s brother. In despair, he had gone off into the woods and shot himself.
The shock was total. His brother died in his arms. No final words were spoken. It happened that fast.
Three days later, the doctor started drinking…inexplicably and excessively…for the next 10 years. He very nearly lost his practice, his marriage suffered and finally broke down.
At this stage, a psychologist friend intervened and over the course of a year, he was able to break free. But he never understood it. He had chalked it up to stress.
That is, until he was on the mat…
As he related his incredible story to the end, we paused and sat quietly.
A few moments later, we simultaneously felt the dots connect. The realization of what had taken place that night became crystal clear.
His brother’s dying spirit had passed into him that night…and for the next 10 years, he experienced what his brother’s struggles had been.
He wept as he saw the Lesson that had been dealt out.
This is how our souls learn on a deeper level…things that can’t be learned in any better way.
Back to his treatment…
His specialists were aggressively monitoring his case. Every change in his test results seemed to be handled in a worst case scenario manner. He understood the complexities of his issue, but it seemed like they favored a heavy-handed approach, so he submitted to the treatments…’hoping to beat the odds’, he said.
At this point in time, he was about to become engaged once more…hopefully for the last time, so he was focused on getting well as soon as possible by whatever means, cutting back his hours at work, buying a new house and getting on with this new chapter of life. His fiance was 20 years his junior and athletic. He himself was a runner.
What followed was seed implantation ( interstitial radiation therapy) which uses small radioactive pellets, or “seeds,” the size of a grain of rice. placed directly into the prostate. That led to more testing, biopsies and then surgery and radiation…’just in case’.
I was witness to all he endured physically, mentally and emotionally…a difficult and harrowing journey.
The upshot of it all was that he entered into his marriage as a shadow of his former self. No more running or skiing. He was exhausted and his once robust health was now precarious. He was so diminished…and now with erectile dysfunction and urinary incontinence as a result of the treatments.
He was to find, after the fact, that his case was never as serious as he had been led to believe. In hindsight, he wondered if he could have just continued on…living as he had before his physical.
In fact, I knew a friend who did just that…for 28 years post-diagnosis, before passing in his 90s. Paradoxically, his wife was head of the Oncology Nurses Association for many years. They had come to the mutually-agreed-upon decision to NOT treat and simply monitor his situation. I always wondered…what did they know?
From another doctor’s experience…
Parting Gift...Debra Robinson·November 9, 2025
I have a love-hate relationship with medicine which I will explain in an upcoming post… Till then a true story from one of my patients…
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