The 3 Day 'Rule'
for the good helpers...
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying ‘yes’ too quickly and not saying ‘no’ soon enough. ~~ Josh Billings
This is a favorite teaching…
It comes from Cherokee friends in Georgia. This insightful story has to do with seeking out an Elder for help.
A man approached an old medicine man asking for help with his problem.
The healer looked down for a few moments without saying a word. When he looked up again, he said to the man, “Come back in 3 days."
But the man was in great distress…
"But you don't understand!! I need help NOW!! It's urgent!!"
"Come back in 3 days."
The man pleaded with him. “But you don’t understand how serious this is! I could be dead by then!
No matter how the man pleaded, the implacable Cherokee elder did not change his answer… "Come back in 3 days."
(though it struck me as heartless at first, I learned the wisdom of his approach)
The Elder had heard him…and he had engaged him. Both energetically and intuitively…while listening Inwardly for higher guidance.
"Come back in 3 days."
Let’s look now from the perspective of the healer…
He would have 3 days in which to pray…but not as we might.
During this time of fasting and prayer, the 1st question he would ask Spirit is:
"Am I the healer for this man?"
And then he would wait for an answer.
If the answer was no…if he was not the helper…then Spirit had a better plan.
If the answer was yes, then the healer would next ask God about the man and his illness.
What level of his being is the illness coming from?
Is it mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, etc.? Again, he waits for the answers…
Then he prays and works according to what God shows him.
He doesn't take his marching orders from the man, but from God.
When the man returns, the Elder is fully connected, instructed and prepared.
The man has had a chance to calm down, to settle himself and to be still. He returns a little differently. He can hear and he can receive the help most needed.
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In our fast-paced lifestyle, many of us would never take the luxury of giving ourselves 3 days to come to a decision and respond to a request or invitation.
Rushing decisions short-circuits our ability to mull things over and decide for ourselves what is best.
I see this with young people I’ve counseled, but it’s a mistake anyone can make.
For instance, one young urbanite gave to everyone who asked…panhandlers, homeless, preachers, charities, down-on-their-luck friends, etc. She was always struggling to pay her bills, fix her car, afford a dentist, etc. She was overextended with all her friends and family…emotionally and financially.
I took her in hand at one point and asked her one simple question…
“Where did your last $5 go? And the $5 before that? And the $5 before that?”
In pinning down those small, seemingly negligible amounts, she began to see how haphazardly she had been living her life.
She was always at the behest of the extended hand, the upset text from a deadbeat dad, a needy mom, the friend who needed an ear, the $5 coffee runs, fast food snacks, etc.
Her life, time and resources were eaten up by a constant whirlwind of concerns.
(that had been pretty much the pattern of her life from early on, so it went without question)
Next we looked at her bills. Rent, utilities, gas, food, college debt…the usual things.
Then I told her:
“You don’t have the right to give away money that belongs to someone else!”
(I knew she was too soft to act on her own behalf… A little shock value was needed)
“Your money belongs FIRST to your debtors!…and then we can talk.”
And I taught her the 3 Day Rule…
“From now on, when anyone calls on your time…your money…or your heart, I want you to tell them ‘Let me get back to you on that.’
No more automatic, unthinking, undermining ‘yes’ responses. No exceptions, ok?
Take the full 3 days to consider before answering.”
That simple act gave her some agency in her life. She began to hear her own voice for the 1st time. She was allowed to say no or re-negotiate a request. She began to hold the reins of her life for the 1st time. She wasn’t being jerked around constantly by her sympathetic nature and habits. Slowly she became self-referral.
( being out of balance like that takes a hidden toll…
Nervous upset, overeating, depression, anxiety, restlessness, other overindulgences, feelings of spaciness, helplessness, etc.) In her case, she described throwing herself down on the bed, crying from exhaustion, thinking ‘is this all there is to life?’…and she was only 22.
Within a year, her debts were paid, she bought a decent car and had money set aside for emergencies. She had a little bit in her emotional bank account now, as well. She was able to start directing her future. Where she had been bent only on survival before, she now had a foundation, new-found time and energy. Room to grow.
So we took the lesson deeper…
She had unearthed a Self at last. She was getting pretty proficient at operating out of that self. She was becoming aware of her expenditures…of time, attention, money, and sympathy, etc. She was learning the power of no for the 1st time.
Breaking out of the habits of being ‘other’-referral and becoming ‘self-referral’…
But, as we saw with the Cherokee Elder, we can become God-referral…and that makes all the difference.
That was tough for her. Taking a moment to interrupt her thinking once again in this new way to check in…to see if she was making the best decision…and waiting for answers…was a different level of engagement.
Though she professed to being aware and spiritual, she was running on automatic. While raised in a church and a family of pastors, all she knew were rules about behavior and what was expected of her. Second-hand ideas and methods of conduct handed down from family, church and culture held sway, She might consult her horoscope, reference a bible quote or any number of tools…a patchwork of what was supposed to work.
In fact, she didn’t know how to connect.
She knew how to ask, not wait for an answer and muddle through…and her life reflected those choices.
She learned to set aside all the other voices, so she could get quiet. That included turning off the phone except for a short period. No podcasts or frenetic reading, trying to keep up with everything in the world. Just stopping the presses. Stepping out of the frantic habits… Making that her new normal. This removed so much stress and confusion. Once all the chaos was set outside her door, she began to experience peace.
She could deviate as needed, but her basic stance needed to not be the knee-jerk responses she was accustomed to. Life had taught her to be on high-alert at all times.
It was unnerving to sit quietly…to still the waters of her mind so something else could get through. People often burst into tears from the unfamiliarity of the feeling of stillness. It will bring peace eventually…but not at first. It can be uncomfortable, even disorienting, in the beginning.
The Still Small Voice was there under all the commotion. She became attentive to it
There was a whole other conversation waiting for her.
We get distracted away from our inward self with it’s knowing…
In a practical sense…and that is all important…she started to be guided by Higher Wisdom. Guided toward certain people and situations and away from others. Every part of her life got a makeover. I gave a little guidance and confirmation along the way till she was walking well.
She learned to be mindful that money is an aspect of one’s energy…and should not be squandered or leaked unnecessarily. I challenged her now and then in the language she was familiar with:
“Where is it written that you have to go to the mall with every paycheck?”
“Where is it written that you have to have 3 meals and 2 snacks every day, along with 10,000 steps to work off the excess calories??”
You don’t have to be led through life by your appetites or the advertisers! Think about where that will get you!
(there was a time when we were considered ‘citizens’…but now we are considered ‘consumers’ and our job is to prop up our economy)
“Why would you buy a car based on how much you can afford?” (a favorite way to keep people poor)
“Are you sure you really want to go through the bank and pay 3-4x the price of that house? Is there another way?”
I taught her that she did not have to follow the cultural norms…and that it might actually be healthier to follow her own inner guidance.
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Five years later, she had enough savings to pay cash for a house that she was guided to…with enough left over for needed repairs. Then covid hit and her business was on hold for 2 yrs. I asked her how she was faring…
She had enough put back to weather the crisis. I smiled, knowing the answer.
What a change from the struggling, storm-tossed young woman she was at the start…
“God-referral.” This is what made my life work, as well…
And for those averse to and/or stung by religion, this is truly not a religious exercise. This is above those controversies and strivings. This exists apart from that troubled world.
It is about a clean slate and a search for truth in its raw form…and for the self you were before they tried to step between you and your own connection…and mold you into something unwholesome. It is a return to self…
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3 Day Rule…
I check in on my energy and guidance as I go through life. Keeping it fresh and not so routine. I also pay attention to the 3 Time Rule.
The 3 time rule is simple and reliable...
I give once and watch the response…twice, if necessary…and rarely a third time. By the 2nd or 3rd time, I should know everything about the trajectory of our exchange.
If it brings out the best in a person, I can continue. If it brings out the worst, then it’s time to cut it off.
The idea is that when anyone asks something of you, you don't tell them "Yes" right away. You have now created a space for Spirit to enter into the conversation.
Why does this matter? Well, we are trying to live effectively in a fallen environment.
The world makes many demands on our time, our attention, our resources.
We are urged and pushed in so many directions by the culture, the advertising and the expectations of family, friends and culture. Pretty soon, our paychecks are used up. But also our precious time and energy and attention. We are run ragged and exhausted and our lives aren't working well. We're trying to do all the right things as we go through our days, but things just aren't working out!
How to turn it around…
How is this done? It's actually quite simple. When someone asks you for something, you tell them you will think about it and get back to them. You might have to rehearse your lines in the beginning. We're so used to giving automatic answers. Lots of times, we regret our words. It's awkward to backtrack. Usually we just suffer the consequences. And we repeat those mistakes again and again…
But there is a better way. If you just interrupt your automatic response with the little phrase: "Let me think about it and get back to you," you have just created breathing space for yourself.
You’re not likely to make a mistake if you have a chance to mull it over. You also can't be pushed or manipulated...ever.
Everything in life is really quite simple. There are 2 choices for every problem.
Change or stay the same.
Consider the alternative...
Do you really want everyone else running your life according to their whims? Do you want to give your life energies to the daily disasters they keep creating?
Probably not...
You may be the only person seeking wisdom for a situation.
Most people are unaware, still asleep or simply not interested. They just get tossed around by every mood, appetite or whim. Their lives are haphazard...without direction.
Haphazard people should not be in charge of your life.
Bringing wisdom into a situation will ultimately impact everyone for the good.
Remember...you don't have to explain yourself. Just tell people politely, but firmly, that they will have to wait for your response.
”Our first teacher is our own heart.” Cherokee proverb
As always… Thanks for reading. Feel free to like, subscribe (always free), share and restack…💖
Debra Robinson