The word kept softly dropping into my mind.
'I must look that up,' I'd said to myself several times.
It was a fleeting impression and in the course of things,
I kept forgetting to search out its meaning.
Meanwhile, I was in a special season of life...a time between jobs
that afforded me a rest and the luxury of time to pursue various
personal interests in depth.
I was 43, the age the Japanese call 'the most dangerous age'.
And no wonder, as I was soon to find out...
I was also at the age when one begins to review the 1st half of one's life.
Western culture labels this time a mid-life crisis, but in Thai culture,
for instance, this phase is seen as the end of the 2nd phase of life
and the beginning of the 3rd and most important phase of life.
It begins with a pause and a time of reflection...an opportunity to take stock
of life thus far and to weigh the purpose of life and one's progress
as you embark on the phase of completion of the present life
and begin preparation for the next life.
I had felt that process begin as I turned 40.
Changing energies, motivations, values and desires...a subtle steady progression from a place deep inside me.
I lacked the cultural context to understand it properly and was ill-prepared
as many of us are.
At this age, people typically busy themselves with the pursuit of pleasure, accumulation of material goods and the eventual winding down of life.
No one tells us about this phase of life...and so it bears down on us
The changes advance as imperceptibly as the onset of puberty.
In fact, I call it 'spiritual puberty'... the one no one warned us about
or prepared us for.
The similarities abound...
Something is changing your person.
You have no control over what is taking place.
It has undeniable power as it is reshaping mind, body...and now, spirit.
You are not sure what you are turning into...what you will look like when
you get to the other side, what your former life will mean, what your future life will look like.
The process begins subtly in the background of your life, but it picks up speed and energy and it begins to push to the foreground.
It eventually becomes impossible to ignore, but because we were not warned,
let alone prepared, it becomes, for many, a painful, disconcerting experience.
More could be said, but back to Kundalini...
So, during this time of reflection and summing up, there were loose threads
to attend to. Family, relationships, changing life circumstances.
Concluding the former chapters of life and observing the emergence
of the next stage.
My life had not been typical in several regards, so most people's answers
would not fit my situation.
I had to find ways of understanding my life in different contexts,
as had often been the case.
First, I was always more attuned to the spiritual...a core issue for me.
Psychology was another avenue of curiosity...both my own and others.
Sexuality was another core issue. Growing up in, not only a family,
but a culture very centered on a debased and/or awkward sexuality forced
that issue on a young mind that would rather devote itself to study
and affairs of the mind.
My own entry into puberty encroached in time, of course, and added
to the fray. When it came to sexuality, I seemed to be cut from different cloth than the majority of people. I possessed a more delicate sensibility
and a very different awareness around all those issues.
I was very out of step with the 'love generation' and the drunken college
Not that I wasn't interested, but I was highly sensitive and discriminating.
I seemed to lack the herd mentality that allowed people to sleep around
without concern. I didn't want to muck around carelessly on any level...
and I didn't understand those that did.
Picking my way through the rubble of sexuality in this culture with my
level of awareness was confusing, unfulfilling and frustrating.
Philosophically, we were worlds apart.
And, as every thinking person realizes, philosophy underpins everything
in life. Good or bad.
So it was a struggle to figure out where I stood in the framework of things.
Hard to know myself reflected in society at large.
Hard to find a kindred, let alone a tribe.
I tried numbing myself to my sensibilities in order to fit in as so many do,
but that only served to heighten the contrast.
It would never work.
There is a part of me that remains eerily sober and even more painfully aware
no matter what has been imbibed.
That part of me raises up, as clear and foreboding as a judge.
It forces me to see.
I cannot 'not see'...
To make matters more complex, I found myself with a high libido,
as well as a collection of some unusual fantasies that sprang full-blown
to life quite out of the blue as puberty emerged.
Prior to that, however, were the voices that came to me while I was
still in the crib. They were voices of early guidance.
I remember two instances very clearly.
The 1st...a voice that I would describe as androgynous yet faintly feminine.
It spoke to me in a kindly, but gently authoritative way:
"You will not be having children. That is for other people.
Your life will be about other things."
Soon after I was shown a series of visual snapshots...the 'other things'...
A direction was given... I embraced it.
I remember feeling excited and eager to explore those possibilities.
When my life unfolded along those lines, I was glad.
I had been well-prepared far in advance.
What would have seemed tragic to another felt just right to me.
The 2nd message came somewhat later, but again, I was still in the crib-
so quite young.
This message was strong and it carried a graver tone.
"The greatest cause of suffering on this earth is the misuse of sexuality...
and you would be well-advised to steer clear of it."
Not war, not famine or disease...but the misuse of sexuality.
It was a strange and hard message to receive.
Little did I know at that tender age that I would need that information
In many respects, it took a long time to fully appreciate and understand
the message, but the longer I observe life, the more I realize how true it is.
The Wisdom cut right to the core...the essence of suffering in this life.
Not to forget, this also leads to its opposite...the right use of sexuality,
which carries potentials that few have imagined or experienced.
So when I entered that phase of life where I was taking stock,
I had some burning questions...especially regarding sexuality.
I had sought answers in many places: religion, psychology, esoterica,
diverse cultures and in my own mind.
I wound up with a revolving set of questions and little in the way
When all else failed, it finally occurred to me to direct those questions
to the Source and to seek my answers there.
I was hesitant to bring questions of a sexual nature to God
due to the shame we feel around sex in our religion/culture.
But, on 2nd thought, that seemed a bit foolish.
Why NOT go to the Source...the Origin?
We humans sure weren't getting it right on our own from what I could see.
Once I got serious about the topic, I realized I had a LOT of compelling questions for Spirit.
Sexuality was a core issue for me.
There was confusion, hurt and anger around the subject
and how it had played out in my life.
I needed answers...and I needed them from the Source.
I began to lay it all out...from childhood to present...on every level.
Every unexplained experience, every frustration, desire, need, fantasy, complaint and question.
A big tangle of things...bigger than I'd anticipated.
As more came to mind, I dumped it on the ever-growing pile.
I finally reached the end of the list.
And then I rested my case...not sure if anything would come of it.
After all, I was dealing with the Unseen...
A little time passed...
The first thing I noticed was a subtle shift in attitude.
I felt less troubled and somewhat softer on the subject.
Then a thought quietly rose from within...
What if my high libido was a gift and not a curse (as it had often seemed)?
Further, what if it was a gift in the same way that my intellect,
strength and vitality was?
There was a quiet dawning of new thoughts on the subject.
What if the body/sexuality was inherently good and not a source of trouble?
Not a source of sin and damnation.
Not an object for ill-treatment, neglect, disparagement and punishment.
Could it actually be its opposite? Could it be holy?
Perhaps the Holiest Mystery in God's design?
I began to perceive things differently...
Was our understanding of sexuality upside-down altogether?
Had we had been misled from time immemorial?
If so...it was a monstrous attack on humanity that defies description.
Perhaps people's expression was the problem...ill-informed people like myself.
How could we have gotten it right when it was forbidden and deemed 'evil'
from the outset?
People's failure to delve more deeply into the true nature of things
and the mistakes that resulted had led to all this pain and defensiveness.
We flounder around because we lack understanding of the energies
we are dealing with. We dabble on the edges of that potential.
We don't know what we don't know...
I was gently guided along a new path...
Perhaps it was time to stop bottling up that good energy and let it flow
into my life again. Time to set the past aside, make a clean slate
and begin again at the beginning with the Source as my guide.
I began to understand and know that the body was, in itself, holy-
as were all the energies it contained.
Nothing was unclean or unfit.
Every emotion became holy, as well...especially the ones we were taught
to repress or hide.
Everything was part of a well-designed whole.
I set aside all of the judgmental teachings and started fresh.
It was a seismic shift in perception.
Things started to make sense!
Letting the energies of mind, emotions and body flow freely
without censure and regulation was like learning myself for the 1st time.
I saw the contrast between the naturalness of the body and all that
had been imposed from birth.
It was an adventure with much to explore and understand.
I gave precedence to the body for the 1st time ever.
So much that had been suppressed and over-controlled rushed
to the surface for release and healing.
It wasn't just about sex. It impacted everything!
Sleep, movement, eating (or not), all the natural instincts of the body.
I was steadily coming out from under the tyranny of the urgent,
the internal and external structures that hindered life needlessly.
I gradually learned to listen to the bodymind and heed its messages,
rather than criticize, dismiss and override them.
I raised my body from a place of subjugation and learned to honor
it in all regards.
I began to have a different perspective about sex and sexual energy.
For the 1st time, I experienced it as a vital part of my Self...
and not a thing held in relation to someone else.
Not parent or church or state or partner.
Why do I say that?
Because that is often the order of mis-involvement that occurs.
We are taught all the wrong things right from the start.
The parent owns the body, the church brings it's views and restrictions, followed by the prevailing overculture, after which our body/sexuality
is directed toward a partner and their pleasure.
The demands of family and society follow on from there...
Even worse...our sexuality becomes a commodity in several ways.
Our body and sexuality never belong to US somehow.
It is snatched away from us at the outset.
We never get to own it.
Because of that, we lose touch with the most vital and potent energy for life
and development that we have...our legacy of Life.
Our sexuality becomes shrunken in scope and twisted into a caricature
of what it actually is intended to be.
Suppressed in so many ways, yet seeking expression, it eventually breaks
out on lower levels.
I had to shed much conditioning to uncover the healthy life spring beneath.
As I let the energy flow freely into my life and began to trust it,
I moved through all of the past conditioning into virgin territory
A fresh experience of the energy. I felt the power of it, its rhythms,
its unique personality...this time without judgement.
I began to own it. After all...it was my own.
Having a partner was not an integral part of the experience.
This energy was mine for my use...not enmeshed with or dependent
I was no longer 'a half', but a whole.
The immediate effect was a lessening of pain and loneliness.
That had been predicated on the idea that my energy was only valid
when partnered with another.
In fact, it was complete in itself.
It created liveliness and health and pleasure by its very presence.
I found myself eager to enjoy it without the complication of a partner.
I began to realize that a partner would dissipate the energy, interfere
with its character. A partner would diminish it, cause it to leak
I needed to recover it for myself and learn to hold it for awhile...
and for myself.
Strange thoughts, I know...
But for that time, it was important to let my cup fill up and not pour
my energies out at the 1st request or urge, as was expected in the past.
I learned to hold my energies, which were considerable...without fear,
judgment or loathing. With a sense of growing wonder, in fact.
I felt less fragmented. I also felt great relief in stepping out of the fray
of what is expected of us and becoming the master of my own destiny
for the first time.
It was a kind of honeymoon with myself...a time to get to know my vital self.
As time went on, I began to realize that this potent energy could be used in many other ways...for maintaining vitality, healing, creativity, spiritual work and more.
I began to heal the experiences of the past...and they were legion.
Childhood sexual abuse, an abusive, unfaithful husband, an array of takers, attempted rape, as well as the general cultural degradation
that surrounds us all.
What the culture portrays as normal or desirable is debased
and drags people down in a mockery of what could be.
My energy was purified.
I began to have my own take on things.
I also began to reach for something higher...something that felt right for me,
instead of settling for what was offered or available.
As this experience unfolded over a few months, I discovered a huge well
of sexuality inside. I was led to give expression to it as often as it called to me. This took the form of allowing sensuality to be honestly experienced
in the ways that were personal to my deeper self, whether I understood
the expression or not.
No censure, no judgment, just observation and wonder.
Self-loving as often and as long as desired.
A blossoming and release of withheld and misappropriated energies
in a supportive atmosphere under the guidance of Source.
I was beginning to reclaim and own my sexuality.
For me, it was a thorough up-ending of my earlier ways...
All work and no play most of the time, trying to preserve what remained
from further injury or disrespect, hindered and guilted play when it came
that had left me thoroughly and inexplicably unfulfilled.
There were so many layers of injury, fear, avoidance, restriction and unease.
On an emotional level, it was hard to acknowledge the lack of love that existed and how I had attempted to twist reality into something it was not.
I felt self-indulgent in the extreme. But even as I kept a cautious eye
on my metamorphosis, a part of me knew that something serious
was underway. I was becoming healthy in mind and body.
I was learning the right use and enjoyment of sexuality...from within.
There eventually came a point in my learning when I began to feel
a desire for a partner.
As I had learned to do along the way, I asked Source what I should do.
A surprising answer came...
"You already have a partner...a Lover. The one that has always been with you."
I was puzzled at first...and then I realized...
Who else but Source?
The one who had always loved me-the one I could trust.
The Giver of the Gift.
It was an altogether unexpected answer, but I felt the truth of it.
With a bit of hesitation, I began to send the sexual energy
back to Spirit...the unseen Lover.
I had been through much in life...that Presence had been my only ally,
my close Companion..the place where my heart could rest safely.
It was such an unorthodox idea. I was flying in the blind.
This went on for about 3 weeks...
These experiences coincided with my recent study of Reiki.
(Japanese hands-on healing)
Reiki was accelerating my spiritual growth considerably.
As part of my twice-daily practice, I would self-treat, placing my hands
on each chakra for a period of time.
As I went deeper into Reiki, something unexpected happened.
One evening, as I laid hands on my stomach, my body started to tremble.
I had experienced that once before during my first Reiki session.
The Reiki master had held his hands a few inches above my midsection,
when my body began to tremble involuntarily.
Any doubts as to the reality of the energy were dispelled that day.
I never expected it to occur when I laid hands on myself, however.
The trembling began in my stomach and slowly began to intensify.
It felt strange, yet wholesome. The vibrations became more rapid.
Then they began to radiate to other parts of my body...legs, arms, torso,
neck and head. The trembling became quite pronounced.
I had no idea what was going on. but there was an amazing energy coursing
through my body. At first, I was alarmed and questioned what was happening.
But the sense I received was that it was a benign process and that I should
simply trust and observe it.
The trembling, which by now, was more of a quaking continued for several hours. There was a bit of ebb and flow. No part of me was left untouched.
After about 3 hours, the movements began to soften in intensity,
but continued unabated.
I felt a deep sense of peace...a quality of peace that was unfamiliar.
I surrendered to the process and stopped trying to understand it.
There was nothing to do but trust it.
Then the most curious thing began to happen...
I felt my brain begin to light up...literally!
In a scene reminiscent of an M.C. Escher sketch, I felt as if there was
an upwardly winding staircase inside my skull.
A little man was running up the staircase flipping on light switches
all along the way.
Bright light, powerful illumination going higher and higher inside my skull.
I found my understanding opening up.
Higher concepts, scientific theories, philosophical insights, spiritual perceptions...complex ideas that would have taken much time and effort
to wrap my brain around, suddenly took on easy clarity.
My mind was expansive, encompassing, receptive, clearing hurdles easily
with astonishing rapidity.
This was the culmination of the experience....
The last hour of the experience brought me to this incredible state
of mind and body. Brimming with Life and Intelligence...
At the conclusion, nearly 4 hours later, my body came to a soft landing.
The trembling became smaller and softer until it finally stopped altogether.
I lay there feeling as if every bit of stress of the first 40 years of life
(and it had been considerable) had shaken out of my body, never to return.
My nervous system had shed all of its trauma.
I was freed of all the prior damage and its residue.
I understood that underneath the trauma and stress were extraordinary potentials that had been present all along.
If one could get out from under the burden, clear the bodymind,
unearth the Original Self, the Divine potential could re-emerge.
I felt like a newborn... a clean slate...the person I was at the outset of life.
I felt my original potency.
Around midnight, I rose from the floor and made my way to the shower.
It had been an incredible day...
I showered and went to bed, overcome, yet strangely energized.
I fell into a deep sleep.
My next conscious moment...
I felt an atomic bomb explode inside my body at the base of my spine!
My body suddenly went ramrod-straight!
I laid completely immobilized, unable to even blink an eye or make a sound.
Liquid Fire started coursing through my spine...but it was a fire that did not burn, a fire like no other. It was as exquisite as it was tremendous.
I felt raw, indescribable power.
One cannot imagine that this explosive power resides in a human body.
But I experienced its incredible force.
The energy began thrusting up my spine.
It sounded like the power plant of a huge building thundering inside me!
I could hear "throom, throom, throom, throom!" as it surged up and down
my spine, reaching higher each time.
I felt the energy surging up toward my neck, breaking barriers along the way. Finally it was surging into my head, pounding higher.
I heard the roaring sound throughout my body.
I wondered if it was going to burst through the top of my skull,
but it reached just halfway before stopping.
The Energy held me for hours...till just before dawn.
And then it ended...as suddenly and completely as it had burst forth.
It was undeniably God...Majestic...Almighty...Beyond...
The feeling was intensely spiritual and sexual...simultaneously.
It surpasses anything we can imagine.
It was weeks before I could begin to articulate what I felt that night.
But finally I found words to convey what I had experienced.
It was like being made love to...by God...from the inside.
I would never be the same...nor is anyone who has had the experience.
It was the Divine Consummation...the Divine Marriage.
The linking of Lightning from above to below....from without to within.
I had inadvertently triggered the experience when sending
my sexual energy to Spirit during those 3 weeks...
What a surpassing Gift in response...
What emotions did I feel?
In fact, it was not an emotional experience.
It was shattering, electric, pure primordial Life.
I will say this...I did not feel love, as we are taught to expect.
What I experienced was pure all-encompassing Power...
Power beyond description.
A kind of breaking through of Reality...
This was my second experience of that power.
Some 20 years earlier, I'd had my first experience of the Light.
It came at a time of intense spiritual seeking and surrender to Christ.
On that day, the Light flashed without warning...again silent and atomic.
It obliterated the worlds...
Ego itself dissolved...the greatest relief and joy of all.
There was only Power. Nothing else existed.
It was undeniably 'God'.
I cannot embellish it with typical religious description.
In both experiences, it was pure, staggeringly immense Power.
The first experience came like a promise...
The second was the fulfillment...the full consummation.
In the weeks that followed, it occurred to me yet again to look up
the word 'kundalini'.
This time I followed through...
I was stunned to find a description of what I had experienced!
Something had been trying to get the information to me in the months
prior to the actual experience.
In the end, I got it backwards, but I got it!
I read everything I could find for some time afterwards.
In searching the literature, corresponding and sometimes counselling
with many people who experienced Kundalini awakening,
whether spontaneous or sought after, I found that my particular experience
was very wholesome, benign and beneficial in comparison to many
who had rocky and/or painful openings.
There was none of the derangement or confusion, illness or distress.
Certainly nothing to be afraid of.
It was altogether healing on every level and life-giving, sane-making.
It may be remembered that I was not seeking an experience or trying
to hasten things.
I was seeking Truth and following the path that was laid out for me.
Later that year, I had 2 more powerful experiences of that surging Energy.
The first one came via a Gabrielle Roth workshop called "God, Sex and the Body". Gabrielle used a variety of rhythms movement to live drums to help access various emotions and cognitive states.
After 8 hours of guided movement to live drumbeats, I broke through
to another level. As my body became more fully activated, I experienced dormant parts of my psyche begin to awaken.
Once again...the body re-activating the brain.
The 'brain' we typically refer to-the head-is not the whole brain, by any means.
It is a part. It is not the primary brain.
It is secondary to the body...the 'fast' brain.
In our culture, we denigrate the body and over-control with the head.
As a result, we lack access and aliveness to the better part of our being.
When the body and the 'brain' reconnect and work in right relation
to one another, they can show us the way home...to the wholeness we possessed at the outset. To the potential that resides within.
Back to the experience...
An hour after that day's workshop ended, I was back in my hotel room,
getting ready to go out for dinner, when suddenly I experienced an explosion
of fierce white-hot heat from my belly.
It felt like a grenade had exploded inside.
A deeply-buried hatred shot from my body like a cannonball.
It was a hatred of my mother.
I'd had difficulties with her, but to the best of my knowledge and ability,
I had worked to resolve those issues. This event showed me otherwise...
There was a layer I could not have guessed at...a seething core within
that had to be expelled.
The many hours of movement and letting the body-brain take over
had shaken tightly-held energies loose and brought them to the surface.
It shook me to my roots.
I laid down on the bed as the surging energy waves took over once more.
Such is the cleansing activity of kundalini energy...
The Energy was refining and reshaping my life on every level.
It redefines everything you thought was real...
My former awareness was not worth hanging onto...rubbish.
Anything was possible now...
There is a Reality beyond what we are typically cognizant of...
The second experience that followed took shape in a different way...
I was on a dance floor one night in Atlanta, Ga.
There was a young man who caught my attention...but not in the usual way.
His energy was light and playful...healthy. Not typical of a nightclub...
I approached him. He was there to dance, as well.
We danced all night, only stopping to sip a bit of seltzer.
As the night came to a close, we grinned and said goodnight.
It had been so much fun!
He shyly handed me his phone number. "Call me tomorrow?"
He seemed interesting, so I invited him for coffee the next day.
There was more to him than met the eye.
He was an inventor, for one.
He'd had a solitary upbringing in the woods of New Jersey.
He was bright, articulate and metaphysically inclined.
Many things set him apart.
He was a very intriguing young man...
Exploring along those lines, I was about to mention energy work,
but before I could get the words out, I felt a rush of energy rising so
swiftly that I couldn't speak at all.
It rose up in a swirling motion inside me and quickly gathered force.
Then the energy seemed to disconnect from me and encircle his body.
I watched his body begin to sway from the force of it.
I wondered if he felt what I was feeling.
Then my body became really hot. Energy poured from me in his direction.
Though I could feel what the energy was doing to him, I could not
have articulated it. It was in a realm of its own.
Neither of us spoke. He was just held in the waves of energy.
It was the most exquisite sensation.
When the energy finally subsided, we sat still...a bit stunned by what
had happened. We were enveloped in a special atmosphere.
There were no words, but we knew something important had taken place.
And then, I initiated sex...not something I would do lightly.
He was moving away the following day. Our goodbyes were for good.
An hour after he left, my body erupted in powerful, pulsating liquid fire.
It seemed that sex...with him...had been the catalyst.
A few days later, he called me. He needed to talk...
After that night, some unexpected things happened to him, as well.
When he woke the next morning, there was a huge shift in his awareness.
He saw auras around everything. He was suddenly clairaudient.
In fact, all of his psychic abilities opened.
I had been the catalyst for him, as well.
That was the first of several experiences of spontaneous transmission
of opening to others.
The Mystery is still unfolding...
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Debra Robinson can be contacted via email at firstname.lastname@example.org