Dear Evan...

Here is the latest breaking news on the Kundalini virus.

It turns out that this so-called Kundalini Awakening virus is very dangerous after all.
It will manifest your ego fears, just so you can get over them.

Kundalini will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty.
It will de-magnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking
on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs
you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix Kool-Aid into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer
and leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when company comes over.
It will put a poltergeist in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Kundalini will make you fall in love with a reptile. It will give you nightmares about Monster Nuns. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and take off both your toenails while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Kundalini, it reaches out beyond the grave, time and space itself
to silly those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it without psychic assistance. It will kick your crotch. It will leave libidinous messages
on your boss's voice mail in your voice. It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of blue.

Kundalini will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave your toilet seat up.
It will make a batch of methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on your stove while it goes out to chase Christians with your new snow blower.

...extracted from the claws of a fellow ubiquitously known as 'Lobster',
a co-writer on a site for spontaneously awakened Kundalini folks...